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Tag Name "Masturbate" (24)

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Everyone is scared of having a free sexual life and what they do is go on the Internet and masturbate. This is the pure sexual misery today. They don't even go to the movie theater like in the '70s.
Olivier Zahm
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Wrap the turkey up In aluminum foil My brother likes to masturbate With baby oil.
Adam Sandler
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Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes 'say masturbate, it'll be hilarious'.
Anna Kendrick
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The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can't masturbate without lust.
Christine O'Donnell
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
Dave Attell
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If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.
Dennis Miller
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Drive the women from the bed just as you drove them from the choir a eunuch sings in Rome, and the priests masturbate.
Franz Grillparzer
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
George Carlin
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The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.
Greg Giraldo
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If you must masturbate, you have already failed
Josh Becker
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Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.
Madonna Ciccone
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My ideal life is just lounging around the house and every once in a while I'll kind of write something, and then I'll leave and eat something and masturbate or whatever - just this very fluid life of comforting myself.
Miranda July
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Good old Pete. That's me. But I find it hard to think of myself in the first person when I'm writing about The Who. So many times he has willingly sat down to write about the good old Who. Isn't he too old to masturbate?
Pete Townshend
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Love is what makes sex more than masturbation. If there is no love even if you are really with a partner you masturbate with a partner.
Slavoj Žižek
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If I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I'd go to one of Jonah Hill's pool parties.
Amy Poehler
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I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.
Bo Burnham
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Dave Attell
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Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
Dave Barry
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I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?
Frankie Boyle
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Ultimately, of what possible social significance is it if a person likes to masturbate over a shoe? It may even be non-consensual, but since we do not ask permission of our shoes to wear them, it hardly seems necessary to obtain dispensation to come on them.
Gayle Rubin
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
George Carlin
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It was one of those days when every time I went to go out the door, something grabbed me in the back of the brain and said, lie down and masturbate one more time.
Jonathan Ames
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We know that more than seventy to eighty percent of women masturbate, and ninety percent of men masturbate, and the rest lie.
Joycelyn Elders