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Comedian Inspirational Quotes (29296)

Page 9 of 1221
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I wouldn't kidnap a man for sex - I'm not saying I couldn't use someone to oil the mower.
Victoria Wood
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I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.
Victoria Wood
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I have stayed true to that first idea that people can have a day in their lives that is very important and if they can reconnect with that day, reconnect with the people they were then, they can suddenly revive their emotions.
Victoria Wood
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A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.
Victoria Wood
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I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.
Victoria Wood
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On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?
Victoria Wood
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The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling.
Tina Fey
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Let me tell you, never before in the history of this planet has anybody made the progress that African-Americans have made in a 30-year period, in spite of many black folks and white folks lying to one another.
Dick Gregory
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Drinking can bring out a dude that has some issues.
Gabriel Iglesias
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When I want to push myself and do intense workouts, I do that, but I'm not going to do it because anybody thinks I should look a certain way. It's really more about how I feel and about being healthy.
Queen Latifah
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If it's not happening, write your own thing!
Molly Shannon
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I have spiritual beliefs that I could literally go out and make an entire comedy routine about, and tour as some sort of spiritual guru, but it kind of goes against that [as] I actually believe the things, so I'm always kind of caught in the middle.
Jim Carrey
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The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.
Jim Gaffigan
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No one is any one thing.
Martin Short
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When you're young and you first see the extent and depth of the world's hypocrisy, it's fun to go after it. But by the time you're sixty, it's so commonplace. What's the point in ridiculing people anymore? Their existence itself is a sort of sick joke.
Harold Ramis
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I'm like an elephant, ok? If I walk into a room, it's like, OK, he's in there.
Aziz Ansari
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Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.
Lenny Bruce
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Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.
Jimmy Durante
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My dream was to grow up and get a job at IBM, like my dad. That seemed like a logical dream.
Jimmy Fallon
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If Britons were left to tax themselves, there would be no schools, no hospitals, just a 500-mile-high statue of Diana, Princess of Wales.
Andy Zaltzman
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Yes, freedom is good, but arguably, grammar is better.
Andy Zaltzman
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Politicians are like God. No one believes in them, they haven't done anything for ages, and they give jobs to their immediate family
Andy Zaltzman
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I was very surprised how many people were earnestly reminiscing about the '80s. It's such a stupid thing to do, like, to be honestly invested in nostalgia. It never even occurred to me to do that.
Michael Ian Black
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I did Popeye and Ronald Reagan and everybody was saying things like yeah he's a cute little kid but I started, little by little, telling stories about people I'd met and expanded my voices.
Gabriel Iglesias
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