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Comedian Inspirational Quotes (29296)

Page 7 of 1221
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You know who you are. If my mother is a nun and someone comes up to me and they go, 'Your mother is a prostitute.' It is not going to bother me, because I know my mother is a nun, she's not a prostitute.
Paul Mooney
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I'm always listening and watching my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging.
Kathy Griffin
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When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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My advice to you is please don't ever sit in your room and lock yourself away because you don't think you're good enough.
Catherine Tate
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
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Robin Williams understands sonic performances. He understands what it's like to change your voice up.
Billy West
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Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.
Tracy Morgan
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The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
Dudley Moore
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Shaunti wields the researcher's clipboard, the analyst's data, and the counselor's insight to bring the excellent newsflash that great marriages are the culmination of definable, repetitive micromovements that add up to deep relationship satisfaction.
Anita Renfroe
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If I had a time machine I would go back 30 years and show up at my grandmother's apartment before the gargantuan meals she would serve and I would help her.
Mo Rocca
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I love the idea that horror and fear is a celebration of health and life.
Penn Jillette
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I expect that everything I do will be not watched or not seen. That way, I'm never disappointed when I become flooded with that reality.
Ron Perlman
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While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
Chelsea Handler
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March Madnesss...the only place where you hear 'Kansas is advancing.'
Bill Maher
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Republicans are relentless and they're smart, too - they're not all dumb - and on Election Day, they'll be up at five in the morning.
Michael Moore
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According to legend. Telford is so dull that the by-pass was built before the town.
Victor Lewis-Smith
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So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.
Kathy Griffin
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Mike Smith - living proof of the need for ejector seats in helicopters.
Victor Lewis-Smith
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The Beatles are dying in the wrong order.
Victor Lewis-Smith
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Going to a grammar school, you mixed with all sorts of different types and I used to listen to how they talked. When I did my imitations, I could sound like someone really rough, or I could sound like a cabinet minister.
Steve Coogan
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Character I want to be: Blunt Talk's.
Seth MacFarlane
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Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
Dave Attell
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
Steven Wright
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I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings
Jerry Seinfeld
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