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Comedian Inspirational Quotes (29298)

Page 23 of 1221
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. Fields
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields
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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
W. C. Fields
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
W. C. Fields
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If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. Fields
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I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
W. C. Fields
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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
W. C. Fields
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. Fields
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. Fields
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Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
W. C. Fields
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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
W. C. Fields
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I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
W. C. Fields
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Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. Fields
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
Eugene Mirman
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I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields
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I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
W. C. Fields
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
W. C. Fields
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
W. C. Fields
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The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
W. C. Fields
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Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
W. C. Fields
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. Fields
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. Fields
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