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Comedian Inspirational Quotes (29298)

Page 22 of 1221
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W. C. Fields
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When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
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It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
W. C. Fields
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
W. C. Fields
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
W. C. Fields
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. Fields
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Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W. C. Fields
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. Fields
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Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
W. C. Fields
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I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
W. C. Fields
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When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
W. C. Fields
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
W. C. Fields
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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields
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It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
W. C. Fields
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. Fields
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. Fields
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields
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Who I am on stage is just an amped up version of who I am in real life.
Russell Peters
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. Fields
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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. Fields
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Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
W. C. Fields
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
W. C. Fields
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