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Comedian Inspirational Quotes (29295)

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I'm a failed pop star. I always sneak a song into everything I do.
Ricky Gervais
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Surprise makes a joke funny. I love it when someone tells me something I couldn't possibly have expected you've been led along one path and - bang! - the joke comes out of nowhere.
Josie Long
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I find in my poetry and prose the rhythms and imagery of the best - I mean, when I'm at my best - of the good Southern black preachers. The lyricism of the spirituals and the directness of gospel songs and the mystery of blues are in my music or in my poetry and prose, or I missed everything.
Maya Angelou
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When you're making a real documentary, you shoot it and the movie happens. You don't make - this sounds corny - you don't make a documentary, a documentary makes you. It really does.
Chris Rock
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I love the excess of Christmas. The shopping season that begins in September, the bad pop star recordings of Christmas carols, the decorations that don't know when to come down.
Mo Rocca
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Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.
David Letterman
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One of the first things that you learn as a stand-up is, you're the boss. It's your stage, and don't screw with me because I'll make you look bad, which I had to do, because you wind up with drunks and loud people.
Bob Newhart
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Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.
David Letterman
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I don't like to dabble in anything I don't do well. I don't talk politics.
J. B. Smoove
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It's very rare to have rehearsal time on a television show: You get scripts, you show up, and you do it.
Tony Hale
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I am a hard house freak and I don't care who knows.
Nick Frost
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The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
Robin Williams
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If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill.
Jim Gaffigan
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I do get very angry at things. My wife has to count to ten because if she gets annoyed at me being annoyed, then I get annoyed at her being annoyed at me being annoyed.
Simon Pegg
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I think in all small towns, all kind of working class communities around the world. They are kind of similar.
Sacha Baron Cohen
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Marriage? I ain't got time for a husband or child. All my life I've looked after myself as if I was my own child.
Mae West
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What good is democracy if you can't get what you want?
Drew Carey
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You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Jeff Foxworthy
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Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on?
Bill Maher
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I was an idiot in terms of career-building, but I had a great time.
Sally Kellerman
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In cases of major discrepancy its always reality thats got it wrong ... reality is frequently inaccurate.
Douglas Adams
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
Phyllis Diller
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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
Anthony Jeselnik
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And it's very, very funny When you've lots and lots of money To be horrible to those with none! Be horrible to those with none!
Anna Russell
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