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Comedian Inspirational Quotes (29327)

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Everybody wants to be famous, but nobody wants to put the work in!!
Kevin Hart
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Sober strip clubs are horrible. When you are sober you see the matrix code behind a strip club. You're paying girls to pretend to like you until you run out of money so they can walk away.
Chris Hardwick
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In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.
Conan O'Brien
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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
Dana Gould
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An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
Stephen Fry
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I've got nothing against any individual American, except that there aren't any. They're always Irish-American, African-American... There's never an American-American you can blame.
Simon Munnery
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I know him...of course.
Toni Gonzaga
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Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast.
Douglas Adams
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If you can't do it, don't do it.
Karl Pilkington
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I love soft-cotton white T-shirts.
Kevin Hart
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Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.
David Letterman
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If political correctness has achieved one thing, it’s that it has made the Conservative party cloak their inherent racism behind more creative language
Stewart Lee
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I'm really happy. I just don't choose to show it.
Karl Pilkington
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I'll get to the force field of this hostility, why it's there, why the rage is in any of us, why the trash takes place, whether or not it's between me and a couple of hecklers in the audience or between this country and another nation, the rage
Michael Richards
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Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to beef with broccoli. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
Bill Maher
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There's no better satisfaction than writing. I feel that writing is the best and everything else comes with it
Garry Marshall
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Fear of joy is the darkest of captivities.
Phil Kay
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When they put me in jail, that's when they turned me into an activist. Up until the time I went to jail, I was just a comedian.
Tommy Chong
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
Dana Gould
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I've done everything I've wanted to do. I have three children, I have grandchildren, I have books, I did movies, I've directed movies, I've done almost everything I've wanted to do.
Carl Reiner
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There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.
Lewis Black
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Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago.
Lenny Bruce
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And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. It's the best in the world, he said. What type is it?, I asked and he said ten past twelve.
Billy Connolly
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