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Comedian Inspirational Quotes (29298)

Page 17 of 1221
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I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
Stephen Colbert
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You draw on your own childhood every time you tee it up as an actor.
Ron Perlman
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I do have some Catholic stuff that is done from the perspective of an ignorant Catholic. But other than that, topic-wise, there's nothing really filthy.
Jim Gaffigan
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Any acting job that I ever got, I always treated it like I was a neophyte, I didn't know what I was doing and I was going to work just as hard as I do on my stand-up.
Patton Oswalt
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They're very, uh, you know, I don't come from the suburbs and a jolly, Disney type of lifestyle. I come from something totally different. And they're cool and bare minimum so it's not always a money issue for me.
Shia LaBeouf
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I know that eventually, I'll have to change my life and my career, but I've got a lot of good years left in me yet.
Jackie Chan
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Vladimir Putin bribed a soccer official with a Picasso painting so he would support Russia's bid to host the 2018 World Cup. Putin was like, 'It wasn't Picasso, just picture of what his face would look like if he said no.' (Nose over here, eye up here, ear in forehead.)
Jimmy Fallon
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There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this. Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. Think like a cactus!
Mitch Hedberg
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In my role of agent for Miss Hathaway, I would like to say that she does not answer questions relating to this subject.
Steve Carell
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I think when average-size people start taking roles that were meant for dwarfs, that's a little frustrating because there aren't that many roles out there for height-challenged actors.
Verne Troyer
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I'm not different for the sake of being different, only for the desperate sake of being myself. I can't join your gang: you'd think I was a phony and I'd know it.
Vivian Stanshall
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A pale sun poked impudent marmalade fingers through the grizzled lattice glass, and sent the shadows scurrying, like convent girls menaced by a tramp.
Vivian Stanshall
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Fear is the root of all courage.
Vivian Stanshall
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Five years ago I was a four-stone apology — today I am two separate gorillas.
Vivian Stanshall
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Like the shock of fondling a raw sausage, blindfold, at a gay party.
Vivian Stanshall
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If an original piece of wardrobe came up from Star Wars, I'd probably spend a lot of money on it.
Johnny Vegas
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In my seventies, I exercised to stay ambulatory. In my eighties, I exercise to avoid assisted living.
Dick Van Dyke
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To be No. 1 on the 'New York Times' best-seller list, well, that's alarming. Having been a stand-up comedian, I think it's surprising to a lot of people that I had the insight I had.
Steve Harvey
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Certain things are complete superstition and have no validity at all in the Bible. Yeah. They're just the antithesis of everything that is correct intellectually.
Lenny Bruce
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If I were actually Homer Simpson, I'd be getting scripts out the wazoo.
Dan Castellaneta
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I'm just terrible. At talking. With words.
Richard Ayoade
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Everything is a version of something else.
Patrick Marber
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Women today are the biggest pigs today in history. They are just the dirtiest, nastiest slobs. I don't know how old your chick is, but the truth of the matter is they've become the aggressors. You know? They're upset if you're not balls deep in them by half way through the first date! They think you don't like them.
Andrew Dice Clay
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