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Comedian Inspirational Quotes (29296)

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Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast.
Douglas Adams
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If you can't do it, don't do it.
Karl Pilkington
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I love soft-cotton white T-shirts.
Kevin Hart
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Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.
David Letterman
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If political correctness has achieved one thing, it’s that it has made the Conservative party cloak their inherent racism behind more creative language
Stewart Lee
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I'm really happy. I just don't choose to show it.
Karl Pilkington
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I'll get to the force field of this hostility, why it's there, why the rage is in any of us, why the trash takes place, whether or not it's between me and a couple of hecklers in the audience or between this country and another nation, the rage
Michael Richards
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Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to beef with broccoli. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
Bill Maher
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There's no better satisfaction than writing. I feel that writing is the best and everything else comes with it
Garry Marshall
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Fear of joy is the darkest of captivities.
Phil Kay
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When they put me in jail, that's when they turned me into an activist. Up until the time I went to jail, I was just a comedian.
Tommy Chong
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
Dana Gould
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I've done everything I've wanted to do. I have three children, I have grandchildren, I have books, I did movies, I've directed movies, I've done almost everything I've wanted to do.
Carl Reiner
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There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.
Lewis Black
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Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago.
Lenny Bruce
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And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. It's the best in the world, he said. What type is it?, I asked and he said ten past twelve.
Billy Connolly
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People put barriers up in your path, and one of those barriers is age. They tell you, You're too old. You don't photograph so well anymore. I know I don't photograph so well anymore, so what can I do? I can do something different, where it doesn't matter as much how I look.
Bette Midler
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I think everyone's different but in comedy, I try to do my scene to make the director and the other actors laugh. If I can make them laugh and we have the same sensibility, then I'm on the right page.
Ken Jeong
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I've been in true love many times. I just try to avoid it as much as possible. For if there's one thing I know about true love, it is that sooner or later, it results in a hostage situation.
Kinky Friedman
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I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
Dylan Moran
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I am shocked and slightly perturbed by his exuberance and quick wit. Knock Knock Channel 4
Scott Capurro
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We share plates [with Jordan Peele], and we also very often will sit in the corner and kind of speak in our own language.
Keegan-Michael Key
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I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.
Larry David
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