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Humorist Inspirational Quotes (4583)

Page 2 of 191
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A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much.
Evan Esar
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Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.
Dave Barry
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In order to live off a garden, you practically have to live in it.
Kin Hubbard
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Self-made men are most always apt to be a little too proud of the job.
Josh Billings
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Tomatoes and squash never fail to reach maturity. You can spray them with acid, beat them with sticks and burn them they love it.
S. J. Perelman
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It is at our mother's knee that we acquire our noblest and truest and highest ideals.
Mark Twain
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I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings
Jerry Seinfeld
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I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
Jimmy Carr
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When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain
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A widow is a fascinating being with the flavor of maturity, the spice of experience, the piquancy of novelty, the tang of practiced coquetry, and the halo of one man's approval.
Helen Rowland
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It ain't because lovers are so sensitive that they quarrel so often it is because there is so much fun n the making up.
Josh Billings
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The human being places sexual intercourse above all other joys, but leaves it out of his heaven.
Mark Twain
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It was not easy victory in the America Cup. Our boys spent years experimenting with different designs for their boat before they came up with the innovative idea of having a submerged nuclear submarine tow it.
Dave Barry
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No sun, no moon, no morn, no noon, No dawn, no dusk, no proper time of day, . . . . . . No road, no street, no t' other side the way, . . . . . . No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees, No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no buds.
Thomas Hood
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You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day
Jerry Seinfeld
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Look out for the people who allow you to do all the talking.
Kin Hubbard
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The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
Fran Lebowitz
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You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
Nora Ephron
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Perhaps the least cheering statement ever made on the subject of art is that life imitates it.
Fran Lebowitz
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The modern dance is no dance in the first place, and when you've finally learned it, it's not modern any more.
Evan Esar
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No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees, No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds - November!
Thomas Hood
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An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought in it.
Mark Twain
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It is not the being paid money in advance that jars the sensitive artist: it is the having to work.
P. G. Wodehouse
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A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.
Helen Rowland
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