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Stand Up Comedian Inspirational Quotes (6016)

Page 2 of 251
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
Dana Gould
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The key is to do what you love.
Mike Birbiglia
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President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties.
Jay Leno
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I ain't never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.
Eddie Murphy
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
Dana Gould
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Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.
Jay Leno
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The reality is [in] any emotional situation, a compulsive eater eats or an alcoholic drinks. What people misunderstand is that when you're a compulsive overeater, you don't just eat when things are bad. You eat when you feel anything.
Jeff Garlin
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
Doug Stanhope
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Do not encourage my behaviour.
Carlos Mencia
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I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things.
Chris Rock
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Two things, generally, for me, is what life is about. And they're not funny. Living in the moment, is one. And No. 2 is getting out of yourself and helping other people. Because all of my suffering stems from thinking from myself.
Bobby Lee
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In a dream world, I would love to be a master pastry chef, because it combines something I love doing baking with something I'm not good at doing baking. BUT! Practically, if I weren't writing and doing comedy things, I'd like to teach kids to read. I would be good at that in real life.
Josh Gondelman
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The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don't hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they're in a good mood.
Eddie Murphy
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It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians to stop playing it.
Victor Borge
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Read (this book), smile, enjoy, and if you happen to learn something along the way, don't get upset.
Victor Borge
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I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?
Victor Borge
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Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.
Victor Borge
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I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.
Victor Borge
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If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.
Victor Borge
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Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats.
Victor Borge
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I don't mind growing old. I'm just not used to it.
Victor Borge
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Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
Victor Borge
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I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.
Victor Borge
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Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
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