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Stand Up Comedian Inspirational Quotes (6008)

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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
Dana Gould
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If political correctness has achieved one thing, it’s that it has made the Conservative party cloak their inherent racism behind more creative language
Stewart Lee
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I'll get to the force field of this hostility, why it's there, why the rage is in any of us, why the trash takes place, whether or not it's between me and a couple of hecklers in the audience or between this country and another nation, the rage
Michael Richards
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Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!
Craig Ferguson
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Fear of joy is the darkest of captivities.
Phil Kay
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
Dana Gould
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And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. It's the best in the world, he said. What type is it?, I asked and he said ten past twelve.
Billy Connolly
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A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.
Craig Ferguson
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
Dana Gould
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I'm a failed pop star. I always sneak a song into everything I do.
Ricky Gervais
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When you're making a real documentary, you shoot it and the movie happens. You don't make - this sounds corny - you don't make a documentary, a documentary makes you. It really does.
Chris Rock
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I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, it's celebrities.
Craig Ferguson
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One of the first things that you learn as a stand-up is, you're the boss. It's your stage, and don't screw with me because I'll make you look bad, which I had to do, because you wind up with drunks and loud people.
Bob Newhart
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The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
Robin Williams
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London now has its own John Grisham.
Mark Billingham
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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
Dana Gould
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The key is to do what you love.
Mike Birbiglia
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President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties.
Jay Leno
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I ain't never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.
Eddie Murphy
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
Dana Gould
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Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.
Jay Leno
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The reality is [in] any emotional situation, a compulsive eater eats or an alcoholic drinks. What people misunderstand is that when you're a compulsive overeater, you don't just eat when things are bad. You eat when you feel anything.
Jeff Garlin
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
Doug Stanhope
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