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Stand Up Comedian Inspirational Quotes (6016)

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So many of these comics are just frustrated singers or actors - they want to get a gig doing a sitcom. It's paint-by-the-numbers comedy, lame joke-telling. They're drawn to it as a career move.
Sam Kinison
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Having your own show, where you're not in trouble all the time, because you're kind of the boss, is a wonderful experience. If I made mistakes everyone was very nice to me.
Jim Jefferies
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Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.
Chris Rock
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What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
Doug Stanhope
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People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
Jay Leno
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There's a lot of cynicism. Let's really enjoy Christmas, with all that's going on in the world.
Bob Newhart
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Even with the darkest and most distressing subjects in movies there's always going to be humour not far away, just under the surface. And it does help otherwise we'd just get ourselves into a massive trough of depression if there wasn't humour just around the corner.
Mackenzie Crook
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Sober strip clubs are horrible. When you are sober you see the matrix code behind a strip club. You're paying girls to pretend to like you until you run out of money so they can walk away.
Chris Hardwick
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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
Dana Gould
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If political correctness has achieved one thing, it’s that it has made the Conservative party cloak their inherent racism behind more creative language
Stewart Lee
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I'll get to the force field of this hostility, why it's there, why the rage is in any of us, why the trash takes place, whether or not it's between me and a couple of hecklers in the audience or between this country and another nation, the rage
Michael Richards
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Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!
Craig Ferguson
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Fear of joy is the darkest of captivities.
Phil Kay
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
Dana Gould
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And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. It's the best in the world, he said. What type is it?, I asked and he said ten past twelve.
Billy Connolly
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A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.
Craig Ferguson
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
Dana Gould
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I'm a failed pop star. I always sneak a song into everything I do.
Ricky Gervais
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When you're making a real documentary, you shoot it and the movie happens. You don't make - this sounds corny - you don't make a documentary, a documentary makes you. It really does.
Chris Rock
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I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, it's celebrities.
Craig Ferguson
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One of the first things that you learn as a stand-up is, you're the boss. It's your stage, and don't screw with me because I'll make you look bad, which I had to do, because you wind up with drunks and loud people.
Bob Newhart
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The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
Robin Williams
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London now has its own John Grisham.
Mark Billingham
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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
Anthony Jeselnik
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