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Comedienne Inspirational Quotes (212)

Page 8 of 9
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
Phyllis Diller
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller
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I never thought I was funny. I don't THINK funny.
Lucille Ball
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
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Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing.
Gracie Allen
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
Phyllis Diller
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I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.
Lucille Ball
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
Phyllis Diller
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
Phyllis Diller
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There's a great deal of difference between temperament and temper. Temperament is something you welcome creatively, for it is based on sensitivity, empathy, awareness ... but a bad temper takes too much out of you and doesn't really accomplish anything.
Lucille Ball
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
Phyllis Diller
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They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.
Gracie Allen
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
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You see much more of your children once they leave home.
Lucille Ball
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John Hughes loved improvisers.
Edie McClurg
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Phyllis Diller
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Phyllis Diller
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It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else.
Gracie Allen
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