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Comedienne Inspirational Quotes (212)

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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
Phyllis Diller
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I will never do another TV series. It couldn't top I Love Lucy, and I'd be foolish to try. In this business, you have to know when to get off.
Lucille Ball
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
Phyllis Diller
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Phyllis Diller
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Use a make-up table with everything close at hand and don't rush otherwise you'll look like a patchwork quilt.
Lucille Ball
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The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to sit in the balcony.
Gracie Allen
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Here's what I advise any young struggling actress today: The important thing is to develop as a woman first, and a performer second. You wouldn't prostitute yourself to get a part, not if you're in the right mind. You won't be happy, whatever you do, unless you're comfortable with your own conscience.
Lucille Ball
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
Phyllis Diller
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Phyllis Diller
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
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Continue to study and learn new skills.
Edie McClurg
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
Phyllis Diller
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
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I exercise daily to keep my figure. I keep patting my hand against the bottom of my chin. It works too. I have the thinnest fingers in town.
Totie Fields
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm having my platform run up by a movie set designer, so it will be very impressive from the front, but not too premanent. After all, there's no sense putting a lot of time and thought into something you'll have no use for after you're elected.
Gracie Allen
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
Phyllis Diller
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Phyllis Diller
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I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.
Gracie Allen
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
Phyllis Diller
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Luck? I don't know anything about luck. I've never banked on it and I'm afraid of people who do. Luck to me is something else: Hard work - and realizing what is opportunity and what isn't.
Lucille Ball
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
Phyllis Diller
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