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Woody Allen Inspirational Quotes (767)

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Subjectivity is objective.
Woody Allen
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My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one
Woody Allen
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Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as…the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
Woody Allen
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Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again… I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O’Neill were laughing.
Woody Allen
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Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen
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You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.
Woody Allen
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I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
Woody Allen
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A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
Woody Allen
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Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
Woody Allen
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You can't ride two horses with one behind.
Woody Allen
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Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.
Woody Allen
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I can levitate birds. No one cares.
Woody Allen
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I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.
Woody Allen
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I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
Woody Allen
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I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.
Woody Allen
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God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
Woody Allen
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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen
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I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen
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It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?
Woody Allen
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There have been times when I've thought about it - but with my luck it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.
Woody Allen
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How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
Woody Allen
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I don't want to be immortal through my works. I want to be immortal by not dying.
Woody Allen
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Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Woody Allen
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Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.
Woody Allen
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