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W C Fields Inspirational Quotes (224)

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It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore however, I'm not drinking any less either.
W. C. Fields
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The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
W. C. Fields
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. Fields
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I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
W. C. Fields
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
W. C. Fields
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Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
W. C. Fields
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I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
W. C. Fields
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Never work with animals or children.
W. C. Fields
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. Fields
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It's what you do that counts and not what you say therefore I fired my press agent.
W. C. Fields
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All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W. C. Fields
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The best thing to break is a contract.
W. C. Fields
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There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
W. C. Fields
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. Fields
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
W. C. Fields
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The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. Fields
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Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
W. C. Fields
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. Fields
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
W. C. Fields
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
W. C. Fields
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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
W. C. Fields
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You can't cheat an honest man.
W. C. Fields
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Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
W. C. Fields
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. Fields
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