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Steven Wright Inspirational Quotes (305)

Page 9 of 13
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
Steven Wright
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
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What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Steven Wright
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright
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