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Steven Wright Inspirational Quotes (306)

Page 6 of 13
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven Wright
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
Steven Wright
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Steven Wright
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
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