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Steven Wright Inspirational Quotes (305)

Page 5 of 13
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
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The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
Steven Wright
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
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