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Steven Wright Inspirational Quotes (305)

Page 11 of 13
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Steven Wright
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
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I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Steven Wright
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
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