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Rodney Dangerfield Inspirational Quotes (230)

Page 9 of 10
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked him Who said you could fool around with my wife he said everybody.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
Rodney Dangerfield
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
Rodney Dangerfield
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
Rodney Dangerfield
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I don't get no respect
Rodney Dangerfield
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
Rodney Dangerfield
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
Rodney Dangerfield
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Rodney Dangerfield
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