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Rodney Dangerfield Inspirational Quotes (230)

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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
Rodney Dangerfield
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
Rodney Dangerfield
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I have three kids, one of each.
Rodney Dangerfield
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
Rodney Dangerfield
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
Rodney Dangerfield
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Rodney Dangerfield
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