X

Sort by

Quote length

Sentiment

Change font

Change background

Rodney Dangerfield Inspirational Quotes (230)

Page 5 of 10
Filter & Style
Image
He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
I can't get no respect.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield
Image
I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
Rodney Dangerfield
Previous
Next