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Rodney Dangerfield Inspirational Quotes (230)

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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
Rodney Dangerfield
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
Rodney Dangerfield
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
Rodney Dangerfield
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
Rodney Dangerfield
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
Rodney Dangerfield
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
Rodney Dangerfield
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
Rodney Dangerfield
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield
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