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Rodney Dangerfield Inspirational Quotes (229)

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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
Rodney Dangerfield
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
Rodney Dangerfield
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
Rodney Dangerfield
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
Rodney Dangerfield
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
Rodney Dangerfield
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
Rodney Dangerfield
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
Rodney Dangerfield
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