X

Sort by

Quote length

Sentiment

Change font

Change background

Phyllis Diller Inspirational Quotes (137)

Page 5 of 6
Filter & Style
Image
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller
Image
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
Image
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Phyllis Diller
Image
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Image
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
Image
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller
Image
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Phyllis Diller
Image
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller
Image
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
Image
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
Phyllis Diller
Image
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
Previous
Next