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Phyllis Diller Inspirational Quotes (137)

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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
Phyllis Diller
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
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All mothers are working mothers.
Phyllis Diller
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Phyllis Diller
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
Phyllis Diller
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
Phyllis Diller
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
Phyllis Diller
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
Phyllis Diller
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
Phyllis Diller
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
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