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Phyllis Diller Inspirational Quotes (137)

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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
Phyllis Diller
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
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self-pity is better than none.
Phyllis Diller
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
Phyllis Diller
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
Phyllis Diller
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Phyllis Diller
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
Phyllis Diller
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
Phyllis Diller
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