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Milton Berle Inspirational Quotes (71)

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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
Milton Berle
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
Milton Berle
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
Milton Berle
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
Milton Berle
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
Milton Berle
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Milton Berle
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
Milton Berle
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
Milton Berle
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
Milton Berle
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
Milton Berle
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Milton Berle
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
Milton Berle
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
Milton Berle
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
Milton Berle
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
Milton Berle
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
Milton Berle
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Milton Berle
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Milton Berle
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
Milton Berle
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
Milton Berle
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
Milton Berle
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
Milton Berle
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Milton Berle
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