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Milton Berle Inspirational Quotes (71)

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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
Milton Berle
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
Milton Berle
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
Milton Berle
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
Milton Berle
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
Milton Berle
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
Milton Berle
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Milton Berle
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
Milton Berle
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
Milton Berle
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
Milton Berle
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
Milton Berle
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
Milton Berle
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
Milton Berle
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
Milton Berle
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
Milton Berle
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
Milton Berle
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
Milton Berle
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
Milton Berle
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
Milton Berle
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
Milton Berle
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
Milton Berle
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