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Milton Berle Inspirational Quotes (71)

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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Milton Berle
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
Milton Berle
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
Milton Berle
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
Milton Berle
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Milton Berle
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
Milton Berle
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
Milton Berle
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
Milton Berle
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
Milton Berle
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
Milton Berle
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
Milton Berle
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
Milton Berle
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
Milton Berle
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Milton Berle
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
Milton Berle
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
Milton Berle
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
Milton Berle
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
Milton Berle
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
Milton Berle
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
Milton Berle
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
Milton Berle
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
Milton Berle
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