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Johnny Carson Inspirational Quotes (83)

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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
Johnny Carson
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How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
Johnny Carson
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George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
Johnny Carson
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Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
Johnny Carson
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I am one of the lucky people in the world I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
Johnny Carson
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It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
Johnny Carson
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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson
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I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
Johnny Carson
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Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
Johnny Carson
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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
Johnny Carson
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As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.
Johnny Carson
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When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
Johnny Carson
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A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
Johnny Carson
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Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
Johnny Carson
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If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
Johnny Carson
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In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
Johnny Carson
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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
Johnny Carson
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Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
Johnny Carson
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The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
Johnny Carson
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
Johnny Carson
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I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
Johnny Carson
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I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
Johnny Carson
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I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
Johnny Carson
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Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
Johnny Carson
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