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Jerry Seinfeld Inspirational Quotes (157)

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Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld
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Pay attention don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
Jerry Seinfeld
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They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.
Jerry Seinfeld
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When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.
Jerry Seinfeld
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The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head. I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings
Jerry Seinfeld
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Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
Jerry Seinfeld
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A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Jerry Seinfeld
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Why would anybody want a friend?
Jerry Seinfeld
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Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
Jerry Seinfeld
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There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld
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You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
Jerry Seinfeld
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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld
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Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Jerry Seinfeld
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I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.
Jerry Seinfeld
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I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need. You stand there going,Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting...Which is more important, the present or the future?
Jerry Seinfeld
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Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
Jerry Seinfeld
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There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
Jerry Seinfeld
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Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?
Jerry Seinfeld
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A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
Jerry Seinfeld
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Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.
Jerry Seinfeld
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The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
Jerry Seinfeld
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Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!
Jerry Seinfeld
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You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
Jerry Seinfeld
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Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
Jerry Seinfeld
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