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Henny Youngman Inspirational Quotes (132)

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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
Henny Youngman
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
Henny Youngman
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
Henny Youngman
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
Henny Youngman
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Henny Youngman
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
Henny Youngman
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
Henny Youngman
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
Henny Youngman
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
Henny Youngman
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
Henny Youngman
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