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Henny Youngman Inspirational Quotes (132)

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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
Henny Youngman
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
Henny Youngman
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
Henny Youngman
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
Henny Youngman
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
Henny Youngman
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
Henny Youngman
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
Henny Youngman
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
Henny Youngman
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
Henny Youngman
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Henny Youngman
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
Henny Youngman
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
Henny Youngman
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henny Youngman
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Henny Youngman
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
Henny Youngman
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
Henny Youngman
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny Youngman
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
Henny Youngman
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