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George Carlin Inspirational Quotes (505)

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Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
George Carlin
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Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
George Carlin
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
George Carlin
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin
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Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
George Carlin
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Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.
George Carlin
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
George Carlin
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I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
George Carlin
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
George Carlin
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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
George Carlin
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
George Carlin
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
George Carlin
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
George Carlin
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
George Carlin
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
George Carlin
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
George Carlin
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
George Carlin
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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
George Carlin
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
George Carlin
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
George Carlin
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As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
George Carlin
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You never see a smiling runner.
George Carlin
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To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
George Carlin
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