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Demetri Martin Inspirational Quotes (287)

Page 7 of 12
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
Demetri Martin
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
Demetri Martin
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Demetri Martin
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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
Demetri Martin
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Demetri Martin
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
Demetri Martin
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
Demetri Martin
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
Demetri Martin
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
Demetri Martin
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Demetri Martin
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
Demetri Martin
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
Demetri Martin
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
Demetri Martin
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
Demetri Martin
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If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
Demetri Martin
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
Demetri Martin
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
Demetri Martin
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
Demetri Martin
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Demetri Martin
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
Demetri Martin
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
Demetri Martin
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I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
Demetri Martin
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
Demetri Martin
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
Demetri Martin
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