X

Sort by

Quote length

Sentiment

Change font

Change background

David Letterman Inspirational Quotes (372)

Page 5 of 16
Filter & Style
Image
Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.
David Letterman
Image
The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.
David Letterman
Image
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.
David Letterman
Image
Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women's Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that's missing an hour.
David Letterman
Image
Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.
David Letterman
Image
Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.
David Letterman
Image
I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.
David Letterman
Image
The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question.
David Letterman
Image
The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.
David Letterman
Image
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.
David Letterman
Image
I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little.
David Letterman
Image
You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.
David Letterman
Image
Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.
David Letterman
Image
Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.
David Letterman
Image
Tomorrow is Election Day. It's what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It's the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.
David Letterman
Image
The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.
David Letterman
Image
Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.
David Letterman
Image
Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive.
David Letterman
Image
Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.
David Letterman
Image
Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'
David Letterman
Image
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
David Letterman
Image
Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.
David Letterman
Image
President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.
David Letterman
Image
Keep in mind that your individual vote doesn't mean anything.
David Letterman
Previous
Next