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David Letterman Inspirational Quotes (371)

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He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.
David Letterman
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Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.
David Letterman
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How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.
David Letterman
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All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.
David Letterman
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We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
David Letterman
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I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
David Letterman
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Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
David Letterman
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You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
David Letterman
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Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.
David Letterman
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In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal.
David Letterman
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One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama's dog, Bo. But they only see each other at funerals and weddings.
David Letterman
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There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.
David Letterman
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Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
David Letterman
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Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.
David Letterman
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How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.
David Letterman
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But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.
David Letterman
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There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.
David Letterman
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Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.
David Letterman
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They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.
David Letterman
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Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star of the future.'
David Letterman
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Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.
David Letterman
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We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.
David Letterman
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Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'
David Letterman
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Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.
David Letterman
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