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David Letterman Inspirational Quotes (371)

Page 13 of 16
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Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'
David Letterman
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Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.
David Letterman
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Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.
David Letterman
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Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
David Letterman
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Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
David Letterman
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Pamela Anderson is a great dancer considering she can't see her feet.
David Letterman
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When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat!
David Letterman
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Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.
David Letterman
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And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.
David Letterman
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Valentine's Day money-saving tips: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid. Forget rose petals. Sprinkle the bed with sliced beets!
David Letterman
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There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
David Letterman
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Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear ... He looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes ... He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping ... He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership.... He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial.
David Letterman
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There just isn't enough televised Chess
David Letterman
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A small handgun makes any TV remote control.
David Letterman
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Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.
David Letterman
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I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.
David Letterman
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Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.
David Letterman
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I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on.
David Letterman
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Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their catcalls.
David Letterman
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Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.
David Letterman
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Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.
David Letterman
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Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide.
David Letterman
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Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'
David Letterman
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I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime.
David Letterman
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