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David Letterman Inspirational Quotes (371)

Page 12 of 16
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Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.
David Letterman
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John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.
David Letterman
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Honey, what happened to ladies first? Husband replies, That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!
David Letterman
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Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.
David Letterman
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Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet.
David Letterman
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Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.
David Letterman
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I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?
David Letterman
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Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.
David Letterman
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Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.
David Letterman
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Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.
David Letterman
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Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.
David Letterman
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Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
David Letterman
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I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.
David Letterman
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I feel like Bush presidencies are like Godfather films. You should stop at two.
David Letterman
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Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
David Letterman
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Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.
David Letterman
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Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.
David Letterman
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I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.
David Letterman
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Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.
David Letterman
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Them bats is smart. They use radar!
David Letterman
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Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he's retooling. He's adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?
David Letterman
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I spend most of my free time under the house.
David Letterman
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Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.
David Letterman
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Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is Hey taxi. Two is What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales? And three is Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.
David Letterman
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