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David Letterman Inspirational Quotes (372)

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I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
David Letterman
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Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.
David Letterman
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Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.
David Letterman
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Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.
David Letterman
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Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?
David Letterman
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The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
David Letterman
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Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.
David Letterman
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One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News.
David Letterman
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Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign.
David Letterman
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President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
David Letterman
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Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear.
David Letterman
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New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.
David Letterman
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I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
David Letterman
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Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
David Letterman
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Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.
David Letterman
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John Walker, while he was in Afghanistan, told people his goal was to have four wives. ... Do we need any further proof that this guy is out of his mind? Four wives? That's how al Qaeda gets you to become a suicide bomber.
David Letterman
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The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.
David Letterman
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According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.
David Letterman
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It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.
David Letterman
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USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
David Letterman
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It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
David Letterman
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John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.
David Letterman
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When Martha gets out she'll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that'll teach her. She's only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock.
David Letterman
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Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.
David Letterman
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