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Dana Gould Inspirational Quotes (153)

Page 6 of 7
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
Dana Gould
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
Dana Gould
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
Dana Gould
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Dana Gould
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
Dana Gould
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
Dana Gould
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
Dana Gould
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
Dana Gould
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
Dana Gould
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
Dana Gould
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You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.
Dana Gould
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
Dana Gould
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
Dana Gould
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
Dana Gould
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
Dana Gould
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If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.
Dana Gould
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
Dana Gould
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
Dana Gould
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If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
Dana Gould
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
Dana Gould
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
Dana Gould
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
Dana Gould
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
Dana Gould
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
Dana Gould
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