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Chelsea Handler Inspirational Quotes (154)

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We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
Chelsea Handler
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I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.
Chelsea Handler
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No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
Chelsea Handler
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I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.
Chelsea Handler
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I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
Chelsea Handler
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I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
Chelsea Handler
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I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
Chelsea Handler
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I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.
Chelsea Handler
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I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.
Chelsea Handler
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I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
Chelsea Handler
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Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
Chelsea Handler
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We're doing a bunch of shoots with kids about the election, about politics, about racism. I like to talk about heavy topics with kids because you find out what their parents are feeding them at home, and then you find out their quick reactions to things. It's so refreshing when kids are so honest.
Chelsea Handler
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I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.
Chelsea Handler
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Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.'
Chelsea Handler
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In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
Chelsea Handler
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Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
Chelsea Handler
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Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
Chelsea Handler
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Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you're a stand-up comedian so they're always looking for somebody funny to host an event.
Chelsea Handler
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I want to start saying bad words all the time!
Chelsea Handler
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You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.
Chelsea Handler
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Before any exposure on TV, I'm a real chef.
Chelsea Handler
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If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
Chelsea Handler
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If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
Chelsea Handler
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Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
Chelsea Handler
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