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Art Buchwald Inspirational Quotes (49)

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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
Art Buchwald
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
Art Buchwald
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
Art Buchwald
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The best things in life aren't things.
Art Buchwald
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
Art Buchwald
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
Art Buchwald
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
Art Buchwald
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
Art Buchwald
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
Art Buchwald
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
Art Buchwald
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
Art Buchwald
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
Art Buchwald
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
Art Buchwald
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
Art Buchwald
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
Art Buchwald
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
Art Buchwald
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
Art Buchwald
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
Art Buchwald
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The things that matter most are not things.
Art Buchwald
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
Art Buchwald
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
Art Buchwald
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
Art Buchwald
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
Art Buchwald
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
Art Buchwald
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