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Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.
Zach Galifianakis
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Zach Galifianakis
Age: 55
Born: 1969
Born: October 1
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Zacharius Knight Galifinakis
Zachary Knight Galifianakis
Tongs
Salad
Yesterday
Humor
Minutes
Funny
More quotes by Zach Galifianakis
My forte is awkwardness.
Zach Galifianakis
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
Zach Galifianakis
We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics.
Zach Galifianakis
I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.
Zach Galifianakis
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
Zach Galifianakis
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Zach Galifianakis
My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.
Zach Galifianakis
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
Zach Galifianakis
As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it.
Zach Galifianakis
Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
Zach Galifianakis
I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.
Zach Galifianakis
Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery. I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.
Zach Galifianakis
Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'
Zach Galifianakis
You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired.
Zach Galifianakis
I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.
Zach Galifianakis
I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.
Zach Galifianakis
People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions.
Zach Galifianakis
Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.
Zach Galifianakis
I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say I didn't like 9/11.
Zach Galifianakis
I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called God, I Hope That's a Mole.
Zach Galifianakis
