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Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.
Zach Galifianakis
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Zach Galifianakis
Age: 55
Born: 1969
Born: October 1
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Zacharius Knight Galifinakis
Zachary Knight Galifianakis
Minutes
Funny
Tongs
Salad
Yesterday
Humor
More quotes by Zach Galifianakis
I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.
Zach Galifianakis
'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries.
Zach Galifianakis
I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do.
Zach Galifianakis
I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.
Zach Galifianakis
I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.
Zach Galifianakis
When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.
Zach Galifianakis
You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.
Zach Galifianakis
My forte is awkwardness.
Zach Galifianakis
I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.
Zach Galifianakis
My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.
Zach Galifianakis
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Zach Galifianakis
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
Zach Galifianakis
My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.
Zach Galifianakis
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
Zach Galifianakis
My comfort zone is press conferences.
Zach Galifianakis
I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.
Zach Galifianakis
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
Zach Galifianakis
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.
Zach Galifianakis
I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.
Zach Galifianakis
