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Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk I'll take it!
Zach Galifianakis
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Zach Galifianakis
Age: 55
Born: 1969
Born: October 1
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Zacharius Knight Galifinakis
Zachary Knight Galifianakis
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Massage
Ever
Sales
Take
Chair
Chairs
Wake
Erection
Humor
Clerk
Comedy
Clerks
Funny
Yell
More quotes by Zach Galifianakis
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
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We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the Girlfriend in a Coma is, like, really funny.
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I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.
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Reciting lines is hard making stuff up is much, much easier.
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I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.
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I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.
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I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.
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I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.
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You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
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My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
Zach Galifianakis
It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.
Zach Galifianakis
If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.
Zach Galifianakis
I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.
Zach Galifianakis
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.
Zach Galifianakis
My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.
Zach Galifianakis
I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.
Zach Galifianakis
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
Zach Galifianakis
I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.
Zach Galifianakis
I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.
Zach Galifianakis
I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.
Zach Galifianakis
