My workout philosophy is no pain, no pain

Life isn't a cabaret. It's a dive bar.

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

Because of television, sports columnists have become personalities. I went to a party [during Super Bowl week] and there must have been 500 people who wanted to talk to me because they saw me on TV. I've become sort of the Soupy Sales character on TV, and people do not really know me as a writer.

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she’s not coming back