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I don't get depressed I grow a tumor instead.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 89
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Instead
Grow
Grows
Tumor
Tumors
Depressed

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The chief problem about death ... is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought.
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I can't even make a leap of faith to believe in my own existence.
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She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
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I have a hyper-active imagination, my mind tends to jump around a little, and I have some trouble between fantasy and reality.
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I know of only six genuine comic geniuses in movie history Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx & Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, and W.C. Fields.
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None of the arts are any good unless you really are great at them.
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I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.
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For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal.
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Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don't have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn't have to be great can still make a living out of it.
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I see no advantages in aging whatsoever. You become shriveled. You become decrepit. You lose your faculties. Your peer group passes away. You sit in a room gumming your porridge. I don't see any advantage in this whatsoever.
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Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak.
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God is either cruel or incompetent.
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Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That's life - and chess.
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Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
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You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.
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Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
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In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.
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I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
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Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate.
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Since I was a kid, I could make up stories, I could make up funny jokes and I could always do it. When I'm walking down the street or having dinner, ideas will hit me, and I write them down on matchbooks or napkins and throw them in the draw.
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