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All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Kind
Years
Tripe
Crap
Golden
Joy
Wisdom
Getting
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It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
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My films are misinterpreted all the time. I don't mind that. Everybody's films are misinterpreted. But there's no malice or stupidity in the people that misinterpret them. You know what you do, but someone else sees it, and they want to talk about it or write about it, and so they misinterpret them.
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Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.
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In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.
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Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
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Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again… I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O’Neill were laughing.
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God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
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I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet.
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I think [aging] has nothing to recommend it. You don't gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you'd trade all of that for being 35 again.
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Of all human weakness obsession is the most dangerous. And the silliest.
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I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
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Some women feel power is important, some women feel that looks are important, tenderness, intelligence...but sense of humor seems to permeate all of them.
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I don't why whatever works and whatever doesn't. You just make the film that you enjoy making at the time, and you think there's a good chance that people might enjoy the story. You're surprised pleasantly when they do. It's just luck.
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I don't get depressed I grow a tumor instead.
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I am two with nature.
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I don't like to meet the actor and have a lot of conferences and talk about their sub-life and their off-screen life and their back stories and all that nonsense, because it never means anything.
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When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said rabies. She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets... I thought she'd been bitten by a Great Dane.
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Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
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I write the script nobody sees it, not the people that put the money in the picture. I cast who I want, and make the film. That's why I've always felt the only thing standing between me and greatness, is me. There's no excuse for me not to be great except that I'm not.
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Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
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